Am I at least "On The Path"?

Been reviewing my goals for this next year. Have some good ones that I plan on hitting.

Some of these goals have been a long time coming and achieving them is going to feel REAL GOOD!

And then the thought hit me....

I have never hit ALL of my goals in ANY given year!
I have hit some of them, but never all.

And then it dawned on me, "I guess that means that I won't hit all of these then this year either".

Well, the truth is I might not....

And then I felt sad.

I felt like a failure, and I had not even begun.

BUT, then I remembered that as long as I stay the course I WILL make it!

I "may" take longer to get there, but I EVENTUALLY will arrive.


The important thing I am learning to remember is "keep putting one foot in front of the other"....

Kinda like this post...cause I feel really "blah" writing this right now...like I have nothing good to say...like it will bore everyone who does even read it.
But, the important part is that I keep posting my thoughts...

...for not every stroke of the keyboard is a masterpiece.


But no masterpiece was ever comprised of but a single stroke!

Every stroke counts!

Every day I press forward despite those "voices" is one more stoke towards completing the finished product...

.."Just gotta' keep the pen on the paper, I guess"...

CRIPPLING FEAR

We all have it in us; some more than others.

And it completely debilitates!

It renders the most, would-be, powerful humans utterly useless.

For when it surfaces, ALL strength & vigor vanish.

And left, is a very exposed, clear, concise picture of where we truly are at in our Personal Development.


Often we run from said encounters that display for any onlooker where we're really at.



...God knows, with the amount I've run by now, I could compete in a marathon!



And yet, it did me no good to run.


For no matter where I ran.....the problem always followed.



Funny, how that works;

We actually convince ourselves that in running, we will find escape from what torments us.

When what torments us, in truth, is almost always US.

And rarely is it from without.


Well, I want to tackle the areas in my life where this is apparently true.

And I know what that means....

It means that I need to INTENTIONALLY move towards the objects I fear most.


YIKES!!!


"Look out world." ...said sheepishly.


...So I guess I'll be seeing a lot more of Intimacy, Commitment & Follow Through now.

..."Hell, one day I may even call them friends"


" n' have 'em over for tea"

...Man, that would be weird!

You're not the only one.

I know I talk a big game; like I'm invincible.

I know I make it sound like I have it "all" together; like it's ALL part of the plan.

I know I come across confident; secure in what I do.

But it is not true....


I am weak and vulnerable, and bleed easy.


I take showers and sometimes miss parts.


I get angry and swear.


I get scared and I run.



And the more time I spend with you, the more my insecurities come up.

I get afraid that you won't want me if you knew....

I get worried that I won't want you...


I wanna know love, and I wanna know you.


I wanna let "Him" write my love story;

...for the pen never fit quite right in my hand.



So how do I let go?


How do I release?


How do I embrace?



If I withdraw, it is not from you. It is from love.


You see, though I say I want love...

...it scares me.



Love is the one thing in life that I cannot control. It is elusive. It is un-tamable.


And it is the one thing that, in order to receive,
I must surrender to.


How do I surrender to what I fear?

I think about you...

No one else but you.

And if you knew how much time I spend thinking about you, you would probably think I'm crazy!

But it's true.

I dreamed of you last night, even though I have never met you.

I woke up thinking about you.....smiling.

I ate my breakfast thinking about you and actually laughed "out loud", shocked by how insane, and yet how delicious this all really is!

It is pulling me in.

And though there is fear, I don't want to fight it!

I think you are in almost every waking thought I have.....

And now I am actually excited now to go to sleep; cause I know you'll be there:)

Focus

What if I gave all my attention, time & energy to one singular purpose; one goal?
What results would be derived?
How effective would I be?



A good friend of mine said something that triggered an epiphany within me...



"The extent of that which is derived from the seed sown in life is in direct correlation to:
1) The length of time the seed is in the soil,
2) The care taken in tending the soil &
3) The efficacy of the seed itself that was sown."


....And I look back on my life and marvel at the blindness I have laboured to substantiate and maintain;
For I wanted life to give me what I wanted on MY TERMS!
I wanted the luxury of little effort with great reward.

How very sad for me now to come to this turn in the road where I now see that it was ME who was Wrong, and life that was RIGHT.

For life's principles are there, clearly modeled and verified by all that is created, and are completely indifferent to who will or who won't lay hold of life's teachings.

Now I see why I have not experienced that which I long for in life,
For I have either:
1) Pulled the seed out too early before it could germinate,
2) Failed in properly tending the soil the seed was in, or
3) Simply sowed low quality seed.

The choice is now before me, just as it has always been!

...Only this time I am willing to admit I was wrong.

I feel like a cripple....

...and with every step I take, I am waiting for the joint to go out again;
for the inevitable downfall in front of everyone.

You would think that I would get used to the feeling of complete & total embarrassment; that the snickers, if only in my head, would lesson over time, as webbing and weaving of years & memories would fade the voices.

But I still hear them as close and clear as yesterdays kindergarten teacher changing me in the school bus in front of all students after falling in the pond; and the shame that ensued.


When will these limbs heal?


When will I go on?


I hear of stories, miraculous marvels, that make impossible seem tangible; that meld fiction into normalcy, and usher fantasy closer than early morning wake up calls.

I hear these stories.....and I groan.
For all that I love in life is in such stories as these.
Where white is always good & all the black is wrong.
Where my heart leaps at every page turn;
for in such stories...I am more than I am.


How I long 'till I AM THE HERO?



....Hell, these days I'd settle just for walking straight!

I am OLD....

At time of this writing...I am almost 34 years of age, which means:

408 months

1,766 weeks

12,404 days

297,696 hours

17,861,760 minutes


...and I STILL don't get life......

Dream

I see a picture of myself dancing:).........I am wild. I am free.
I am washed in loves' glow; aflame in radiant light.
I am not who I am today.
I recognize myself hardly at all.

"How will I get from here to there?"................a chasm divides.

Who will build the bridge?

I hear a song that I remember, yet have never sung.
Its' tune, ringing all around, warms me.
Comforts.
Reminds.
I hum along.
And as the first vibrations reach my lips, they are met with welcomed passage into every resonating chamber within that which laid dormant of lifes vibrations; the resonance that stirs and awakens a being from cellular to macroscopic.

....and I awake!

Who Am I?

The well known phrase, "To thine own self be true", is remembered once again, as I delve back into the murky mire of deliberate self-discovery. Albeit, partially in vain; what, with the "veil" still covering and all......

And I take "the plunge" into the familiar chilly pool of yesterdays' forgotten youth; kept frigid by eerie icebergs of mornings forgotten that line the waters I intend to carve discovery, nay remembrance through.

And all that is still good within me rises in silent applause as I near a forgotten throne.
Desperation pleading its gnawing case, driving me to touch a scepter recollection hath all but lost.

And I near.....

And something stirs...

WALLS ARE COMIN' DOWN BABY!!!

Ya, You're BIG!....SO WHAT!!!

Ya, You're TALL....I don't give a fuck!!!

I AM OF DIVINE ORIGIN....AND YOU ARE TEMPORAL, FALLEN, FLEETING.....


"As Above, So Below; As Within, So Without"


....Like a house of cards you are gonna fall!

..."crack"...

"snicker"

"smile"